My Favorite Place Is My Bed: Post #37

***I wrote this awhile ago and have not read it again, leaving it raw***

This is me, can you guess where I am, well I am in my bed, the greatest place on planet Earth or even in the entire galaxy. Do you know why my bed is so great? In my bed I can be anything I want, NBA superstar, a spy, a villain, a King, a space pirate: any is possible in my bed. I am high school and as of right now my bed is where I liked to be all the time, nothing is better then the sweet and luxurious comfort of my blanket. Everyday when I get I am usually as they say grumpy to get up, it is not because I am not a morning person, I some what enjoy the morning, no it because when that louds Alexia alarm goes off it ends my dream. I try to chase after my dream, remember what was going on in the story but eventually it goes away.  This is my life, the one thing that gives me joy I only remember for about 5 to 10 seconds right before I turn off my alarm. I have always seen other finding joy in sports, theater, or friends but I still cannot feel that. I remember as I child that I made a deal with my conscious to get rid of emotion – sadness, the beginning of my emotion spiral. I see now that I made a deal with the devil. Once sadness had been removed I now longer felt empathy or compassion for others, I lacked to see the point in charitable donations, or helping the needy, where I once found solace. After sadness was gone I no longer felt emotion pain, I don’t cry anymore, I don’t feel sad. I can’t remember the last time I felt sad, not to say I can’t fake sadness or empathy; but really sad. The ironic thing about all of this is that I can’t feel sad for myself. Yes, this means I can’t feel depressed right, well kind of, instead I live as if I were a turtle or Batman, constantly having to put on a shell or disguise to hind my true inner emotions because I know that as soon as I reveal them I will no longer be accepted. With sadness removed I thought all pain would go away no more pain a deal I believe most people would make. But as warning to everyone now, you need pain is what gives people their drive, their fire, and their reason to continue on. Without sadness I soon began to realize I could no longer feel the opposite, or at least the same way. I began to do my own private study on how emotion works, I came to the conclusion that people have a total of 10 emotions, or 10 characters they use, it is not the same level for everyone but everyone has these emotions: happiness, sadness, peace, anger, satisfaction, depression, strength, weakness, want, and guilt. But these emotions are tied to their opposites happiness with sadness, peace with anger, satisfaction with depression, strength with weakness, want with guilt. In getting rid of sadness, I also got rid of happiness, if you make a deal with the devil it most come at a price but my price was even higher because I wanted to be happy. So I made a second deal happiness for what ever, I just want to be happy, take what ever, my greatest mistake. I got what I wanted happiness was back in my emotional spectrum, I could once again be happy. But emotions work on a spectrum, they must be tied to one another, and so it began, my happiness was now tied to my depression. This meant I lost satisfaction, I could satisfied with anything, everything I once love I gave up on, boy scouts, sports, theater, and everything that will come next I will eventually give up on because my happiness was given to me by the devil and I did not earn my happiness. You can already see how this is very depressing story, well I believe my stories are as such but have a happy ending to make everything better. I ceased to find true happiness or at least really good fake happiness in anything I do. I spend most of my time when I am awake watching the closest thing to a dream, movies. I love and adore movies, but remember I made deal with the devil, anything that gives me happiness or joy must be fake and such movies are. Movies are intricate lies that are told very well, but these lies are what I want, I want to feel like I can do anything. I remember was fourth grade and my teacher asked what the class wanted to be when they grew up, as everyone answered the teacher finally arrived at me, do you know what I told my teacher? I told my teacher that I wanted to become the president of the United States, the fucking president of the United States; I believed this until I was probably in junior high school. That’s all I want now, I want the lies again because even now that I know they are lies I still want them, I want to feel just a glimmer of some good unrealistic fake happiness.

Out of My Bed

My routine is pretty much the same for the most part, as is for most people my days are pretty much routine and mundane, never changing from the norm. Everyday I wish my school would have a fire, not a large one but maybe a little one just so my day would be interesting. I tell my parents that my day was good or interesting, it never is. My day really skews from the norm, I wake up go, take a shower, get close on, rush out the door into the car then its off to school. As I mentioned earlier I hate the mornings, but always liked to wake up early before everyone else is up, when it pitch black out and all you can hear is the wind going through the empty streets. I always wanted to be one of these people who gets up early and goes for a run and is able to take in the fresh air and enjoy the world around them, those moments I seldom get. I feel as if technology and the era of social media has ruined these moments especially for my peers, every time I see one my peers in nature they are always there for the wrong reasons, mostly to take “selfies.” Nature has forever been ruined by the era of technology, it hard to find a person who really appreciates the world. The one thing that I do that I believe is good is when I wake up in the morning have this perfect balance of consciousness and unconscious where my emotions have no affect on me. During this time mostly think about my future, what I am going to do, who I am going to be, or what I am going to be like. I also wonder about how things work, like how I am able to touch my phone and how does it know my finger print, or how does water filtration work, weird right, but I actually think we need more wonders in this world because out them we would not advance as a society. I still wish for that one day to be different, a change, I need a change. Everyday I tell myself, that college would be that change or once I become an adult I can do whatever I want, I will be able to institute the change but I have slow become to realize that my future will continue to be mundane, this I hope to not be true.

The Wardrobe

Now this may sound weird to most but I do get one find some joy but my happiness is weird, I love clothes, specially my kicks. Material thing, which I prefer not to find joy in, but in any case I do, I guess another punishment from God and a reward from the devil. I have always dream about become super famous and being able to afford what ever I want, any Jordan, any Givenchy, or Louis Vuitton, anything at all but I know this happiness is fake but yet it is some happiness. I wish to be a designer who people respected and that people would wear my brand but my brand would be important that it would have political statements and make a stand for the truth and for what is right and correct was is wrong through fashion, a dream that will soon be crushed by the hard hitting truth of reality. I was told to get internship or a job at one of my favorite sneakers stores in Los Angeles, Undefeated. I was excited to pursue this endeavor but I have nothing about it so far, as they say the story of my life. Hopes and dreams live in the mind, reality is real, but my hopes and dreams stay in the mind and never cross into reality. I have taken so many punishes by reality that it hard to even dream now, I feel if dreaming is now a futile effort and that I should no longer pursue my dreams. I don’t know if mentioned this but I am sixteen, a junior in high school and this how I feel, no one should ever feel like this when they are sixteen.